SonRise

I was dead.
Literally.
Hanging over the side of a smoking car, blood dripping down from a gash in my shoulder and from a wound on my head, and a black eye to boot.
Only one shoe on, the other was thrown out of the car upon impact. All is motionless and my forehead throbs as my eyes strain in the light. My back is trembling and tense.

Confused? Yes:) this was my freeze frame scene during the opening of SonRise (a live easter drama all across the campus of Southern Adventist University). Beginning in the church the audience is faced with a song drama of the years past tragedies, national disasters, and daily problems. I was a part of the car accident scene as you might have already guessed. I was a girl being dragged out of the smoking car by a firefighter while her father is lying on the pavement with a firefighter hovering over his blood soaked chest performing compressions for CPR. This happens daily, if not hourly around the world. A life is turned upside down from a unplanned, unthought of, unwanted tragedy and a reality of sin. Every year I've been a part of the church scene and before I've been able to watch it all as an angel...however this year I felt more involved, more immersed, more bloody, more personal. I could feel the sticky, cold blood run down my arm every time I stepped out on that stage. And as I would lay my body limp over the arms of chris the firefighter I would think, "I can't imagine a world of this much disaster and sin." Yet I live in the middle of it. The middle of earthquakes, of car accidents, of home foreclosures, of tsunamis, of spousal abuse, of suicide, of disconnected families, of riots and wars. There isn't any escaping the reality of tears.
Another thought that would go through my head was "I NEVER want this to happen to ANYONE I know." More specifically as I lie in the stretcher for the second frozen scene, my eyes went straight towards the disconnected family scene where Brittany sat. My very best friend in this world. All I could think was I would jump in front of a car for her. How I would take a bullet for her. and I would NEVER want pain to come to her ever again.
But the only person who can give his life in place of our own is Jesus. The ultimate sacrifice. So as much as I see sin all around, theres someone who took more than just death for us but possible separation from his father forever. Yet He still died. For you.

My Gym-Master Last

Last night of practice. It was the....

Last time I would ever step foot in the gym for that 8-10 gathering:(
Last time I would be apart of this team
Last time I would look in that mirror with Hannah & Nikkia right behind me for a butterfly
Last time I would grab my stuff out of my box and take 20min to leave the gym cause I'm talking to everyone on the way out
Last time I would look at the clock over coaches office
Last time I would feel apart of this team
Last time I would set up for teepee
Last time I would run through NBA routine....one more time!
Last time I would look around to find someone to do an ab workout with
Last time I would chalk up on the big blue
Last time I would read that long list of coaches ideas and dreams on the lists on the wall
Last time I would run around in a tiny circle, running into people and being thrown in the foam pit during warm-ups
Last time I would have 48 other insta-friends:)
Last time I would forget what day or what color or leotard we were suppose to be wearing
Last time I would stretch out and tie my shoes at the same time
Last time I would be a Gymmaster.

So goodnight gym. I'll be back. I may not be apart of the team anymore but it will always be apart of me.

A perfect day can end in rain

"a perfect day can end in rain"

I kinda laughed to myself when I heard this quote however I still acknowledge it's validity. such which validity became my reality.
Without going through every detail of my day which I'm sure no one, including myself would want to hear. I began with a great morning other than my hairdresser not showing up to my appointment. I shrugged it off and went back in the afternoon. Only problem would have to be the fact I technically spent an accumulative of 2 hours instead of one getting my hair cut and dyed. and Just because I want to complain more you can't even see it....ANYWAYS THAT's NOTHING in comparison to what I found out in the afternoon. Not only did I get in trouble for writing with chalk on the promenade (i know that was stupid of me) but I find out my best friend Brittany Jacobson (who has meant the world to me these last few weeks, into month) is struggling through her own mess and I don't know what to do to help her. I felt lost for words of comfort and just looked into her very hurting eyes with nothing to say. How horrible is the feeling of helplessness. How empty it makes one feel and long for words of wisdom. By her being affected I am affected. Just seems like such a perfect, sunny day can end in "emotional rain." the problem when I get overwhelmed with life, with big house sales, with a bad hair cut, with a pile of homework, with teachers breathing down my neck, with friend problems, I tend to just shut down. I give up, throwing my hands up and just wanting to lay in my bed and let the world pass me by. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. When she comes to me and she struggling I just feel bad for myself. I get angry I can't spend time with her anymore. I get angry that shes going to be so busy. BUT WHO IN THE WORLD am I to call myself her best friend if I just turn everything to feeling bad for myself?! Here she is with a crap-load on her plate and a million things on her mind and tears that won't seem to stop (mentally if not physically). I just want to comfort her. God, can I please see you, can I please hear you. I don't know what to do. How can I talk the talk and not walk the walk. I can't even give my best friend a word of comfort when the tears flow so easily. It reminds me of the song by Francesca Bastielle;

I can’t say that everything’s okay
‘Cause I can see the tears you’re crying
And I can’t promise to take the pain away
But you can know I won’t stop trying

[Chorus]
I’ll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own
‘Cause when you’re down and out of time
And you think you’ve lost the fight
Let me be the angel
The angel by your side

I know it feels like you’re running out of faith
‘Cause it’s so hard to keep believing
But if I can bring a smile back to your face
If for a moment, you’ll forget all about it

[Chorus]
I’ll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own
‘Cause when you’re down and out of time
And you think you’ve lost the fight
Let me be the angel
The angel by your side

‘Cause this won’t be the last time
You’ll need a little hope
But I want to be the first to let you know

[Chorus]
I’ll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own
‘Cause when you’re down and out of time
And you think you’ve lost the fight
Let me be the angel
The angel by your side


How much does our heavenly father feel the same way. We hurt so much. He sees our tears flow freely from our broken hearts. He see how we suffer. But sometimes He must feel helpless as we turn our backs on Him. He wants to wrap His arms around us and tell us it's going to be okay but we just give up. I just give up. I just need those eyes of faith. Those eyes that can see God working in all this. The eyes that see His hands reaching and carrying us through these.