SonRise

I was dead.
Literally.
Hanging over the side of a smoking car, blood dripping down from a gash in my shoulder and from a wound on my head, and a black eye to boot.
Only one shoe on, the other was thrown out of the car upon impact. All is motionless and my forehead throbs as my eyes strain in the light. My back is trembling and tense.

Confused? Yes:) this was my freeze frame scene during the opening of SonRise (a live easter drama all across the campus of Southern Adventist University). Beginning in the church the audience is faced with a song drama of the years past tragedies, national disasters, and daily problems. I was a part of the car accident scene as you might have already guessed. I was a girl being dragged out of the smoking car by a firefighter while her father is lying on the pavement with a firefighter hovering over his blood soaked chest performing compressions for CPR. This happens daily, if not hourly around the world. A life is turned upside down from a unplanned, unthought of, unwanted tragedy and a reality of sin. Every year I've been a part of the church scene and before I've been able to watch it all as an angel...however this year I felt more involved, more immersed, more bloody, more personal. I could feel the sticky, cold blood run down my arm every time I stepped out on that stage. And as I would lay my body limp over the arms of chris the firefighter I would think, "I can't imagine a world of this much disaster and sin." Yet I live in the middle of it. The middle of earthquakes, of car accidents, of home foreclosures, of tsunamis, of spousal abuse, of suicide, of disconnected families, of riots and wars. There isn't any escaping the reality of tears.
Another thought that would go through my head was "I NEVER want this to happen to ANYONE I know." More specifically as I lie in the stretcher for the second frozen scene, my eyes went straight towards the disconnected family scene where Brittany sat. My very best friend in this world. All I could think was I would jump in front of a car for her. How I would take a bullet for her. and I would NEVER want pain to come to her ever again.
But the only person who can give his life in place of our own is Jesus. The ultimate sacrifice. So as much as I see sin all around, theres someone who took more than just death for us but possible separation from his father forever. Yet He still died. For you.

My Gym-Master Last

Last night of practice. It was the....

Last time I would ever step foot in the gym for that 8-10 gathering:(
Last time I would be apart of this team
Last time I would look in that mirror with Hannah & Nikkia right behind me for a butterfly
Last time I would grab my stuff out of my box and take 20min to leave the gym cause I'm talking to everyone on the way out
Last time I would look at the clock over coaches office
Last time I would feel apart of this team
Last time I would set up for teepee
Last time I would run through NBA routine....one more time!
Last time I would look around to find someone to do an ab workout with
Last time I would chalk up on the big blue
Last time I would read that long list of coaches ideas and dreams on the lists on the wall
Last time I would run around in a tiny circle, running into people and being thrown in the foam pit during warm-ups
Last time I would have 48 other insta-friends:)
Last time I would forget what day or what color or leotard we were suppose to be wearing
Last time I would stretch out and tie my shoes at the same time
Last time I would be a Gymmaster.

So goodnight gym. I'll be back. I may not be apart of the team anymore but it will always be apart of me.

A perfect day can end in rain

"a perfect day can end in rain"

I kinda laughed to myself when I heard this quote however I still acknowledge it's validity. such which validity became my reality.
Without going through every detail of my day which I'm sure no one, including myself would want to hear. I began with a great morning other than my hairdresser not showing up to my appointment. I shrugged it off and went back in the afternoon. Only problem would have to be the fact I technically spent an accumulative of 2 hours instead of one getting my hair cut and dyed. and Just because I want to complain more you can't even see it....ANYWAYS THAT's NOTHING in comparison to what I found out in the afternoon. Not only did I get in trouble for writing with chalk on the promenade (i know that was stupid of me) but I find out my best friend Brittany Jacobson (who has meant the world to me these last few weeks, into month) is struggling through her own mess and I don't know what to do to help her. I felt lost for words of comfort and just looked into her very hurting eyes with nothing to say. How horrible is the feeling of helplessness. How empty it makes one feel and long for words of wisdom. By her being affected I am affected. Just seems like such a perfect, sunny day can end in "emotional rain." the problem when I get overwhelmed with life, with big house sales, with a bad hair cut, with a pile of homework, with teachers breathing down my neck, with friend problems, I tend to just shut down. I give up, throwing my hands up and just wanting to lay in my bed and let the world pass me by. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to do anything. When she comes to me and she struggling I just feel bad for myself. I get angry I can't spend time with her anymore. I get angry that shes going to be so busy. BUT WHO IN THE WORLD am I to call myself her best friend if I just turn everything to feeling bad for myself?! Here she is with a crap-load on her plate and a million things on her mind and tears that won't seem to stop (mentally if not physically). I just want to comfort her. God, can I please see you, can I please hear you. I don't know what to do. How can I talk the talk and not walk the walk. I can't even give my best friend a word of comfort when the tears flow so easily. It reminds me of the song by Francesca Bastielle;

I can’t say that everything’s okay
‘Cause I can see the tears you’re crying
And I can’t promise to take the pain away
But you can know I won’t stop trying

[Chorus]
I’ll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own
‘Cause when you’re down and out of time
And you think you’ve lost the fight
Let me be the angel
The angel by your side

I know it feels like you’re running out of faith
‘Cause it’s so hard to keep believing
But if I can bring a smile back to your face
If for a moment, you’ll forget all about it

[Chorus]
I’ll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own
‘Cause when you’re down and out of time
And you think you’ve lost the fight
Let me be the angel
The angel by your side

‘Cause this won’t be the last time
You’ll need a little hope
But I want to be the first to let you know

[Chorus]
I’ll be the angel by your side
I will get you through the night
I’ll be the strength you can’t provide on your own
‘Cause when you’re down and out of time
And you think you’ve lost the fight
Let me be the angel
The angel by your side


How much does our heavenly father feel the same way. We hurt so much. He sees our tears flow freely from our broken hearts. He see how we suffer. But sometimes He must feel helpless as we turn our backs on Him. He wants to wrap His arms around us and tell us it's going to be okay but we just give up. I just give up. I just need those eyes of faith. Those eyes that can see God working in all this. The eyes that see His hands reaching and carrying us through these.

How Great is Our God!

For this spring break I went on tour with Gymmaster to California to do shows and weekend programs:) It was amazing how much we traveled. We clocked in about 78 hours on the bus, driving from show to show all over Cali. We saw the sights and so many places I have always wanted to visit!!

-Golden Gate Bridge (full house!)
-Grand Canyon
-Hollywood
-Yosemite National Forest (Wawona summer camp)
-Hollywood bowl
-Venice Beach
-San Francisco
-China Town
-Stars Walk in Hollywood
-Hollywood sign (a drive by lol)
-LAX airport (saw Kirk Franklin, Lady Antebellum, Nick Jonas, Joe Crowe)

As we went to each of these places I began to think...
I placed my hands in the hand prints of famous people, saw the amazing structures built by man, saw celebrities and stars yet was more taked back by the amazing wonders of God's creation. Seeing a famous person or the amazing sights and sounds of Hollywood was nothing in comparison to the breathtaking view standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon or staring up at Half Dome in Yosemite. The song that came to my mind was "How Great is Our God" and how true is that! His creations and wonders far out weight the works of mans hands. What an amazing God we have! Even as I saw celebrities I was excited but again they are only human beings, sinful and created. If only we could get that excited to see God face to face!! Now that's whose autograph I want and a picture with to hang on my wall!!

Frozen Moments

Have you ever just looked around at everything going on around you in a crowded room or with friends and just really looked at each and every face. Taking in their personalities, laughter, and smiles. It's like a freeze frame in movies when the main characters seem to almost freeze, their thoughts become audible and the audience is brought into their thoughts and feelings of their surroundings. I cannot even count how many times I have done that in this past week. I am on spring break with the Gym-Masters from Southern and we have had an absolute blast touring around Arizona and California, doing shows and programs for academies', high schools, and church groups. We have laughed till it hurt, cried together and simply drawn closer as a team. I seem to stop what I'm doing and just look around at all these amazing people. I watch their joys and see their unique personalities. I just think "how amazing God is for putting these people in my life!" The jokes we have, the times we've shared, the relationships. I can connect with them across the room just by a smile. It's like I'm in an out of body experience and I have separated myself from the experience and simply watch all of these people.

I can't believe that this is really my last year. Last year of being a part of this family. We truly become a family as the year progresses. I will never perform again on these mats. I will never hold Chris in a hand to hand again. I will never have the opportunity to fly with strong guys:) lol. A lot of lasts and I'm trying so hard to freeze these moments so I can hold onto them forever. I want to be able to stay in this spot for eternity. But then I think. ETERNITY. That's what we have to look forward too. No longer will I have to worry about having to say goodbye again. Goodbye to amazing people in my life, not knowing when we will see each other again. Leaving next year will be hard. Watching everyone move on with their lives back at Southern with Gymmasters and life in general will be difficult so I'm trying so hard to enjoy these people now. Let's not lie to ourselves, most student missionaries get "forgotten about" speaking in terms. One of my closest friends was gone as a student missionary last year and I can say that I did NOT forget about her and kept in touch as much as possible however things get difficult as you two are living in two VERY different worlds and going through VERY different experiences. You try to relate to one another but the people and places are so drastic. I know that no matter how many promises are thrown around people will move on with their lives and we shall live different lives next year. A growing experience for sure! and I am looking forward to the God growing I will have just not the pain aspect of it. I know I have written about pain and Good-byes before but I can say it again. I hate goodbyes. So one last time I look across this room, take in the scenery and cherish the faces for what seems to be the last time. Each and every one of them are so amazing and I will continue to thank God for the experiences and good times I could share with them and for putting them in my life:) Now I can only look forward to a time when I won't have to worry about leaving them or saying Goodbye. It will be forever and ever an amazing moment with Jesus and these peeps:)

Home

Oh how much more you appreciate home when you are forced to live so far away.
I didn't realize how much I really missed home till I find myself here right now, surronded my amazing family.
I look around the room and see the love and smiles and realize how much I miss at school.
I miss sitting down with my uncle and watching a hockey game, that the leaf are most likely going to loose,
or sitting on my grandmas lap pretending to be two again and literally squishing the air right out of her,
or playing games with the family and laughing so hard we're rolling on the floor in pain,
or driving to an old classmates house to catch up and see some long lost friends,
or seeing my baby cousin for the first time,
or laying in my old bed looking at the AWESOME yellow walls,
or hearing my parents talk in the other room while I fall asleep,
or sleeping in till 10 and going upstairs to an amazing breakfast prepared with love just for me,
or just watching my family as they talk, laugh and joke with one another over tea and cheese lol.

Yes, it's good to be home. Why do we always have to say goodbye, It's like we're always getting together just to leave again. Oh what a day that will be, when my Jesus I shall see. When every tear shall be wiped away. No more goodbyes. Did I mention I hate goodbyes......well I do. But for now on this cruel, sin-filled earth we shall just part again.
For now I'll enjoy it. While it lasts and hang on till the next time I get to come home to this heaven on earth again, the place I call HOME. (temporary home:)

Th Sickness of Sin

Being sick is never fun.

It started with a head cold. Moving to my lungs it started to creep into my body. Waking up Wednesday morning it had hit my entire being like a freight train. I could barely move, for the fact that I didn't even want to move. It hurt to breathe. But school is not an option in college. No matter how you feel you must continue to go, go, go. I tried to fight it but the flu is not something that leaves ones body quickly. It is in no rush to evacuate the premise and in my case it was no different. Heading to the gymnastics gym Tues. night with my hood over my head, shoulder slumped in exhaustion from the constant battle inside me and a big pair of sweat pants i was not in the mood to hold others up or do any time or form of physical movement. My head was hot and my joints felt as if they had sand paper in them, leaving me with no energy to do anything but survive. I had not been sick like this in a very, very long time. Walking back to my dorm room, slowly and painfully I began to think, as I often do when I have alone time. This sickness had absolutely taken over my entire being. It changed my personality. I was tired and not as optimistic about life and my friends could tell. Something was wrong. Made me think of what sin does to us. Not only our physical bodies but definitely our spiritual well being. It takes us over completely causing us "aches and pains" of a spiritual battle inside of us. It changes us and people can tell. Changes us for the worst. But this too does pass. I tried to let my body fight the sickness, but was forced to give in, give in to the medication. There is no relief like that of a cough drop when your throat is on fire or your lungs are dry heaving in pain. That medicine for our spiritual is the one and only life giver, Jesus Christ. Only He can cleanse us from the inside out and relieve that sinful pain.

When you're sick you avoid certain things too. Sounds familiar to avoiding temptation of sin. I couldn't eat sugar. In fact for once in my life I revolted sugar thinking of the damage it would do to my immune system causing this awful sickness to drag on even longer. I didn't down a nutty bar even though it tasted good cause I knew the consequences would be more sickness. So why put yourself in a situation where you are forced to be tempted with sins sickness. Christ is our only hope. He is the physician, the great healer, our medicine. Good news this medicine doesn't taste horrible either like buckleys or halls, all it takes is one question. one question to have God take complete control of your life. Complete control of your defense system against the sickness of sin.